i know we're lost but soon we'll be found
by daisymeadowss
Summary: "Hi, I'm looking for Richard Gansey." He turns, disbelieving, to face the same girl he desperately wanted to talk to all along. "Jane?" Or Blue pays Gansey a surprise visit at college.


written for a prompt on tumblr.

do you ever wonder what kind of repercussions gansey's death had on everyone? especially on gansey himself since it's his _second_ time. because i sure as hell do.

* * *

Gansey casts a distracted look at his phone then forces his eyes back to the textbook in front of him. He skims the words but finds himself uninterested in their meaning and unmotivated to keep going. After hours of studying, his mind wanders despite his best efforts to stay focused, and he decides that maybe it's time for a break.

With a sigh, he reaches for his phone and reread his messages with Blue today. He sent the last one four hours ago and she hasn't replied nor seen it. She's probably busy, he tells himself, and normally he wouldn't be terribly fazed by it but his mind is still reeling from an earlier incident and he longs for Blue's soothing presence - even if only over text. He can't have her here in person, being too far away from each other, but just talking to her would help quieten his too loud thoughts. He desperately needs that right now.

 _Not everything is about you, Richard Gansey,_ he tells himself sternly, but resorts to sending her a quick text anyway. There's no harm in that.

 _What are you doing? :)_

As he stares at the screen like he's willing Blue to answer immediately, his thoughts drift back to their phone conversation earlier.

Sitting in the bathroom, clutching his phone against his ear, he had been desperate, frightened, and quite possibly on the verge of a panic attack. He knew her schedule by heart, he knew she was in class, but he still called because it was the only thing he knew to do. When she didn't answer, he sent her a selfish text _("please call me back")_ and hoped she would see it. He probably scared her half to death when she did call a few minutes later and all he could gasp out was, "I don't want to die, Blue, please, I don't want to die."

It took him several minutes of dry heaving and Blue's strained but controlled voice goading him to be finally able to explain that a hornet flew in the open window while he was reading and all he could think to do was lock himself in the bathroom while panic slowly corrupted his mind.

Gansey thought he was over such episodes by now but after his second death, they returned in full force. The first few months had been bad in regards of nightmares and panic attacks but slowly, with the help of his friends, he relearned how to live. How to not be afraid. He began to enjoy life more than he did before. His panic attacks became rarer.

But didn't disappear completely, it seemed.

Gansey winces as he remembers how he kept Blue occupied for the rest of her class. Even after he calmed down, they talked for another hour because he was unwilling to let her go. He just needed to hear her voice - his peace was built on shaky foundations and he needed her to solidify it. He didn't care that she was supposed to be in class - truthfully, the thought didn't even occur to him. Blue never said a word but he knows he had been selfish.

Looking back now, he should have been able to handle that better without disturbing her and unnecessarily making her worry. Especially since he's been dealing with this since he was a kid and he always got by just fine on his own. The thing is, after knowing what it's like to have the unconditional support of someone else, the extra pair of hands to help him stand upright when his legs wanted to buckle, _'just fine'_ doesn't cut it anymore.

The only reason he tries to stop himself from feeling guilty is the knowledge that Blue would hit him across the head and tell him to stop being a martyr if she knew. _"I'm glad you called me,"_ she had even told him, _"I want you to always call me if something is wrong."_

 _She cares about you, Gansey,_ he tells himself, and tries to squash the acrid shame inside his chest. _You don't have to be alone in this._

A knock on the door brings him out of his reverie.

"I'll get it," his roommate tells him, and Gansey turns back to his desk, eying his textbooks warily. He has a feeling he's not going to get much studying done until Blue answers or even after. His heart is just not in it today.

With a defeated sigh, he moves to put his text and notebooks away but from the doorway he hears a very familiar voice that stops him in his tracks.

"Hi, I'm looking for Richard Gansey."

He turns, disbelieving, to face the same girl he desperately wanted to talk to all along. "Jane?"

Blue's face lights up when she sees him, and, not waiting for an invitation, she steps around Mitch, quickly discarding the bags in her hand to go flying into Gansey's arms. Her small body crashes into his with such force that it nearly knocks him off balance for a second before he steadies himself and wraps his arms tightly around her waist.

"Hey," she murmurs into his sweater, voice muffled and soft. It takes less than a millisecond for him to be completely engulfed by her presence - her warmth, her scent, her heartbeat against his chest. It's been weeks since he got to hold her like this but those weeks felt like years - he can't believe he could forget how good she felt in his arms.

Gansey can't quite comprehend the fact that Blue is here, she's somehow really here and it's not just wishful thinking. He merely wanted her to answer his text; he doesn't understand how she can be here. It doesn't make sense. He fumbles with his thoughts just as much as with his words.

"What-what are you doing here?" His voice is a touch of incredulity and joy.

"I wanted to see you." She pulls away to look at him but her arms remain locked around his waist. "It was spontaneous. I just got in the car and -"

"You drove all the way here?"

Blue shrugs but it's anything but nonchalant. She looks a bit flustered in the face of Gansey's amazement. "It was only a couple of hours."

Gansey doesn't know what to say. He never expected her to come here for him, because of him, and the love and gratitude he feels for her overwhelms all of his senses. He thinks he should tell her that she didn't have to trouble herself or miss more of her classes on his account but once more he finds himself too selfish to speak. They haven't seen each other since they started college in September, and yes, it's only been a month, but he has missed her terribly. In his spare time, he's taken to calculating when he would arrive at her dorm room if he left now and wondering if she would like a surprise visit or not.

But he never did make himself do it and never thought she would. It's as unexpected as it is welcome.

Mitch, his roommate, clears his throat, and Gansey, remembering his manners but with reluctance, lets go of Blue. He had completely forgotten about Mitch which is not at all surprising. He's aware how wrapped up in each other he and Blue can get. It must have been awkward to stand around for minutes, waiting to be introduced.

Gansey gives Mitch an apologetic smile and gestures towards him. "Jane, this is my roommate, Mitch. Mitch, this is my girlfriend, Blue."

Mitch grins and exclaims, "She exists!"

"I showed you pictures of her before."

"Yeah, yeah but still. Nice to meet you, Jane. Blue? Gansey always called you Jane."

Blue's eye roll is almost fond. "And only he's allowed to. Just Blue, please."

They shake hands and Gansey silently prays that Mitch will leave without having to ask because he would never be as impolite as to ask but he would rather be alone with Blue if he could help it.

And Mitch, like a godsend, reaches for his jacket, one step towards the door.

"So I assume the lovebirds want some alone time, yeah? Don't worry, I'll be staying at Daisy's tonight."

He winks at Gansey, some unspoken encouragement to _"go get it, Gansey boy,"_ and Gansey tiredly rubs his forehead while Blue smirks. As soon as Mitch is out the door, Gansey turns to Blue and immediately draws her to his chest again. He has a feeling he's not going to let her go for more than two minutes until she has to leave him again.

Blue doesn't look like she wants to protest, her fingers clutching his shirt, her breathing even and calm. A soft sigh leaves her. Gansey mirrors it, and then ambles towards his bed, pulling her along with him.

They settle down, holding onto each other. Gansey's back is against the wall and Blue's is against his chest. His fingers play with her hair, curling the strands around his finger. He's not sure how long they stay like that, quiet and content in their silence, but whether it's minutes or hours, the time feels like rebirth to him. The memory of that hornet hours ago, and of those years ago, flies further and further away from him.

"I can't believe you're here," he says at last, quiet. The fact of her presence still seems like fantasy.

Blue hums noncommittally, pressing her face into his sweater. She doesn't want to talk, it's obvious. Or perhaps she just doesn't want to talk about this. Yet, he can't help but push the issue.

"Is it because of earlier?"

"No."

He pulls away just enough to give her a knowing look.

"A little bit," she sighs.

Guilt flares up in him again, and as much as he likes having her here, he has to say something.

"Oh, Jane, you shouldn't have. I'm alright, I promise."

"Good thing I didn't come for your benefit then." Her tone is a bit snappy and for the first time he sees the lingering traces of fear on her face. The impact of not just today but that day in the rain, almost two years ago. Sometimes scars still ache even after they're healed.

His heart breaks a little more for her and it must show because Blue huffs and looks down to avoid his eyes.

"Blue…"

He watches her play with the hem of his blanket, putting on a show of being okay. She can't fool him, though. She's always had a way of looking smaller than she is when she's sad. Which is to say, very very small indeed. That's how she looks now, and Gansey is torn between reassuring her and just dropping the issue altogether. All he knows is that he can't stand seeing her like this.

"I'm sorry I called you like that."

"No," she says. Suddenly, she pushes herself away from him and turns to face him, legs crossed on his bed. As much as he misses the physical contact, he's somewhat glad to be able to look into her eyes when they have this discussion.

"No, I'm fine."

"Blue -"

"I don't want you to think I'm weak or can't handle it, okay?" She speaks confidently, willing him to believe her, and he does, he believes her, but he doesn't want to hurt her. He never wants to be the source of her pain and he thinks today maybe he was.

She sees his uncertainty in his eyes and exhales heavily then shakes her head. "God, look at you. Stop looking so guilty. Seriously, Gansey, stop it."

She reaches out and punches his shoulder. Her stare is fierce and angry. Gansey tries to angle his features into something more neutral just to appease her but somewhere along the way, he lost the ability to ever really hide his feelings from her. It's not something she minds, he thinks, but it means there is no way he can mask his guilt from her now.

She groans loudly when he tries and fails miserably.

"If you feel guilty now, next time you won't call me and I don't want that, okay? I'm your girlfriend and your friend. You can always lean on me and that shouldn't make you feel guilty."

Blue takes his hand and when she leans closer to catch his eyes, he can see tears shining in hers. Her grip is tight, her hand warm. Gansey watches her fingers stroke his and the ugly twisting feeling inside him slowly mellows into a barely noticeable sting. The first touches of peace graze him.

"Do you understand me?"

Gansey nods very slowly, quiet for several seconds. The racing of his thoughts begin to slow. Something senseless still moves around in his brain but he tries to ignore it and clears his throat.

"I just…" He trails off. Blue's eyes flash in warning but Gansey just smiles; he doesn't plan to argue with her any longer. "I'm sorry if I scared you is all."

She sighs. "It's okay."

Mirroring his smile, she snakes her hand around his neck and presses a soft kiss to his lips. The conversation over, she reclaims her spot on his lap but keeps their hands locked, playing with his fingers. She seems content, for the most part. Ready to put today behind them. Gansey wants to forget too but one prickly thorn still scratches at his side.

"What are you thinking about?" Blue asks because, naturally, she knows.

He stalls. "What about your classes?"

"I can miss two days, Gansey. I'll be back before Monday. I want to be here now."

Gansey smiles to himself and presses a gentle kiss to her dark hair. "I love you."

"Mmmhm, yeah, you do. But my classes are not what's really on your mind."

Gansey exhales heavily, both thanking and cursing the fact that Blue knows him so well. He knows she's not going to let the issue drop until she gets a real answer and he wouldn't have it any other way.

Softly, he admits, "I can't hide or lock myself away every time I see a hornet."

"Oh, Gansey."

Immediately, she angles her head up to look at him. Her gaze is kind and reassuring - more so than any words could ever be. Gansey gives her a tired and sort of self-deprecating smile.

"You'll learn not to. I know it doesn't come easy but you'll get there. You're already doing so much better. And if you need to hide and call me then you do that. Until one day, you won't have to."

The warmth of her palm, the certainty in her voice, the faith she has in him - it makes his eyes water. When she looks at him like that, it's impossible not to feel confident in himself too.

After a pause, Blue adds, "You know this doesn't make you a coward, right?"

Gansey can't deny that the thought did enter his mind but Blue doesn't seem to agree and he would believe anything Blue says. He marvels at how it's always so easy for her to pull him back from drowning in his self-pity.

Gansey meets her eyes with a bit more confidence and nods. When he says, "I know," he means it. Blue seems content enough with his answer; she presses a quick warm kiss to his neck and leans her head back against his chest.

Gansey sighs, undeniably more at ease now with Blue here. So much so that he allows his mind to shut down completely for the first time in weeks. He's missed this, the turn off button. He's always going to miss it when she's not with him. But, he reminds himself, for four days he gets to have it again and it's all thanks to her.


End file.
